A Year Of Living Horoscopically

If At First You Don't Succeed...

2010-01-11T12:44:00.000-08:00

Virgo: You must choose to make a change in your methods or ideals in order to successfully cope with business matters.

Translation:
If you want to start another failed business venture, do something different.

So the FDA didn't accept my drug Placebo. Fine, no problem, I'll call it Vegan Placebo and sell it as a homeopathic cure.

UnScene Kids

2010-01-08T09:31:00.000-08:00

Virgo: You may hear something you think is impossible — but even Goliath was overcome by someone who possessed strength of character.

Translation:
Even you can be cool in your imagination.

*Snikt* Hehehe. I'm awesome.

I'm Like Rubber. You're like glue.

2009-12-05T10:27:00.000-08:00

Virgo: You may come into contact with people at an event who are able to see all the goodness within and ignore the outer shell. Follow their lead.

Translation:
You're ugly. Latch on to anyone willing to give you the time of day.

I've gotten five black eyes with this approach, but today is the day.

The Best Part Of Packages

2009-12-04T10:21:00.000-08:00

Virgo: You may briefly feel as though you have been wrapped in bubble wrap and insulated from human contact. This feeling will pass.

Translation:
You may feel like people are giving you emotional space. They aren't. They're ignoring you.

Well, at least I'm not suffering some emotional trauma.

Swift, And To The Bridge Of The Nose

2009-12-03T06:53:00.000-08:00

Virgo: Now is the time to knuckle down and please the boss. Make an effort to present a friendly smile that is evident even over the phone.

Translation:
Your boss didn't hire you for your brains. You were hired to keep employees in line through physical intimidation. Don't forget that.

It's just so difficult to headbutt when you're suffering a tryptophan hangover.

Keeping A Safe Distance

2009-12-02T06:45:00.000-08:00

Virgo: Your ability to be sympathetic and kindhearted draws others closer. Give others extra space and they'll figure everything out.

Translation:
You're needy, and your clinginess annoys people. Leave them alone.

Wow, and I thought things would get better after two and a half months.

Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

2009-12-02T06:43:00.000-08:00

I'm back!

Charlotte's Web

2009-09-17T10:35:00.000-07:00

Virgo: Creatures of habit prefer to seek a safety zone when they feel threatened. You might not be entirely willing to cooperate with others.

Translation:
If people want to act differently than you, undermine their efforts of success.

Networking is for chumps.

There's No Crying In Baseball

2009-09-16T10:33:00.000-07:00

Virgo: Fear can drive people to make foolish mistakes. You would be wise to avoid an instinctive response to bleak news or gossip.

Translation:
No one cares if you're upset, so keep it to yourself.

Always remember, my emotions count for nothing.

Mum

2009-09-15T19:21:00.000-07:00

Virgo: You aren't at your best for a few hours today, so sidestep public appearances. Impulsive actions or words can throw a wrench in plans.

Translation:
There will be a three hour period today where you will say something really stupid. Because you don't know which three hours that will be, just keep your mouth shut.

...

Lift With Your Legs...

2009-09-14T09:26:00.000-07:00

Virgo: You can work well if speedy fingers or physical exertion is required. You are quite likely to take charge if problems pop up.

Translation:
You're good at the physical work. Not the brainy work. Stick to what you know.

I guess Jeopardy is out of the question.

Gravitational Pull

2009-09-13T09:22:00.000-07:00

Virgo: Trade treats in for a toolbox. This is a good week to take care of little mistakes, small maintenance projects, and to fix errors.

Translation:
1. Turn in your twinkies for wrenches. 2. Build that treadmill. 3. Exercise. You're fat.

I thought I was just big boned.

Meaning Of Life

2009-09-12T09:20:00.000-07:00

Virgo: ...

Translation:
You're so unimportant, you get no horoscope today.

Thanks, Universe. That really boosted my self-esteem.

Never Look Back

2009-09-11T09:10:00.000-07:00

Virgo: Don't cry over spilled milk. Avoid thinking about mistakes you have made in the past and concentrate on doing better in the future.

Translation:
Forget the past. There's nothing to learn there.

That's nice cuz I've really fucked up before.

Great Expectations

2009-09-10T09:07:00.000-07:00

Virgo: Optimism is helpful, but you still must work diligently to attain success. To keep that success, remain on guard for the unexpected.

Translation:
It's cool that you think things will go your way. They won't.

Damn, and I was optimistic for an uplifting horoscope.

A Dash Of Reality

2009-09-09T09:03:00.000-07:00

Virgo: Big ambitions could simmer and stew, but as you know, whatever boils too long eventually evaporates. Avoid making agreements.

Translation:
Dream big, but don't dream too long. And don't expect your dreams to become reality. They probably won't.

Apparently, I have a recurring theme of failure.

God Bless Charlie Mopps

2009-09-08T08:56:00.000-07:00

Virgo: Those stars in your eyes may blind you to the facts. Someone may look or sound better than he or she, really is. Take a rain check.

Translation:
When an attractive person asks you out, say no. You're drunk.

Note to self, stop buying beer goggles.

Giving Of Oneself

2009-09-07T08:50:00.000-07:00

Virgo: Enjoy good times but do not count on promises being fulfilled under these stars. An overly generous impulse might be regretted.

Translation:
Cutting off your ear for your girlfriend only works for 19th century expressionists.

I wish I new this last year. I'd still have my big toe.

Big Bro

2009-09-06T08:45:00.000-07:00

Virgo: Make it your duty to be as fair as possible when dealing with others in the week to come. It is wise to question details.

Translation:
Be like a 5 year old and ask 'why?' Just understand it's fair when you get hit as a result.

Ah, yes, the older brother approach.

Peer Pressure

2009-09-05T08:41:00.000-07:00

Virgo: Develop a method to your madness; stick to the schedule. Old-fashioned values will please others more than new fangled ideas.

Translation:
You're weird. Try acting like other people.

But my mom told me I should be myself. I guess she was wrong.

Nursery Rhyme

2009-09-04T09:22:00.000-07:00

Put your feet on the street, follow the beat and don't retreat. Once you have set plans in motion, don't hesitate.

Translation:
Isn't it neat to entreat your resolute fleet to fight off defeat.

The cosmos is spending too much time with its Roget's Rhyming Dictionary.

For Love And Money

2009-09-03T08:56:00.000-07:00

Sleep on it. A decision about an investment, a purchase or romance will benefit by waiting until tomorrow when your head is clearer.

Translation:
If there's one rule that unites sex and money, it's procastination.

So, I will now always be one day late on anniversary gifts.

Simon Says

2009-09-02T08:52:00.000-07:00

Virgo: Don't let enthusiasms run away with you. Your creative genius might not be appreciated under these celestial conditions.

Translation:
Don't speak up. People will ignore you.

I guess that's why they have a back row to the classroom.

Weapon Of Choice

2009-09-01T13:47:00.000-07:00

Virgo: One of your new best friends may be actually working against your best interests. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

Translation:
People are out to get you. LOOK OUT!

STILL!

[Author's Note: Yes, the same horoscope was reposted.]

Weapon Of Choice

2009-08-31T14:16:00.000-07:00

Virgo: One of your new best friends may be actually working against your best interests. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

Translation:
People are out to get you. LOOK OUT!

Keeping your friends close and your enemies closer only works in hand to hand combat. If you have a bazooka, you want to keep your friends close and your enemies at a safe distance.

Cult Of Personality

2009-08-30T16:21:00.000-07:00

Virgo: You might perceive a change in someone's attitude toward you during the week ahead, but don't take it too seriously.

Translation:
Ignore other's feedback about you. You're perfect.

Awesome. I always knew I was right when I told myself to ignore my flaws.

The Final Frontier

2009-08-29T16:13:00.000-07:00

Virgo IF AUGUST 29 IS YOUR BIRTHDAY: Make your dream a reality during the year ahead. You may develop a passionate ambition or fall head-over-heels in love with a special someone. Keep your goals firmly in mind — especially in December when you could have an opportunity to break with the past and new horizons could come into view. During February you may be tempted to go to extremes or take too much for granted, thus losing out on an opportunity. At the same time, however, your focus on business and your dedication will make any endeavor a sure success. If you have always dreamed of making a major change in your life, this is the year to go for it.

Translation:
You will fall in love with a person, maybe a thing. Remember, women are a distraction from the important things in life. You could venture into new territory and will have lots of success, especially in December. In Feburary, you may venture into new territory, and it may not be successful. This next year is the year for you. You will venture into new territory, and it will be successful no matter what. This time, I promise, you will stick to your New Year's resolutions.

I think I should write a book about my upcoming year. Jeff: The Undiscovered Territory.

Gang Way

2009-08-28T16:08:00.000-07:00

Virgo: Never look back. You can't win the race if you busy worrying about the competition nipping at your heels.

Translation:
There is much to learn from cows. Most importantly: the stampede.

I now step on anyone and everyone, whether they're in my way or not.

One Thousand Three Hundred and Thirty Seven

2009-08-27T09:06:00.000-07:00

Virgo: Don't be influenced by those who have not yet earned your trust or by people who don't have a track record. Follow your instincts.

Translation:
You pwn noobs.

1o113rz.

Tongue Twist

2009-08-26T20:26:00.000-07:00

Virgo: Mental manipulations make mincemeat of a mystery. You know how to dig out the truth or get to the root of a problem and deal with it.

Translation:
Masticate mysteries mit mandibled maws. Merry mentalities make masculine men. Ministrone made Monday might mold. Mr. Magoo, Magistrate. Mo' money, mo' monkeys.

Alliteration as asinine activity.

Get Up, Stand Up

2009-08-25T19:39:00.000-07:00

Virgo: A situation might tempt you to stand your ground or defend your rights, but this may merely create further disputes.

Translation:
Don't stand up for yourself. Cowering doesn't break bones.

Sure, and TODAY is the day I get water boarded by CIA agents.

Workin' In A Coal Mine

2009-08-24T22:42:00.000-07:00

Virgo: You should aspire to develop a reputation as a leader, not a loser. Follow your passions even if there is opposition to your desires.

Translation:
Get a job.

'Nuff said.

Like Being Bitten By A Radioactive Spider

2009-08-23T23:05:00.000-07:00

I could not find Sunday, August 23rd's horoscope. So, instead I bring you a link about DNA Activation. As you will notice, it's made my False Guru List.

Here are some highlights [with author's notes]:

Imagine if you woke up one morning and realized that you had dormant superhuman abilities that were waiting to be unleashed. [Author's Note: This was how I wished I woke up everyday from age 10 to age 14 ... okay 24 ... okay still.]

In addition to each chromosome's 2 strand double helix of DNA, there are an additional 10 etheric strands of DNA available to each human, which have been dormant since the beginning of recorded history. [Author's Note: It was the invention of recorded history that caused these DNA strand's to go dormant.]

Imagine activating 100% of your 2 strand DNA, PLUS 10 additional strands! You will go from using 10% of your brain to becoming a multi-dimensional being with psychic, telepathic, and manifestation abilities beyond anything you've ever dreamed of. Plus, you will stop the aging process and actually start to rejuvenate to look and feel YOUNGER. [Author's Note: Order now, and you'll get this multi-dimensional lint roller, a 40 dollar value, absolutely free!]

Jesus had 12 strands of DNA activated. [Author's Note: This is true. I counted.]

Confused? Well, here's why this is important:

Most people on the planet only have 3 strands active, which only allows 3 dimensions of consciousness and thus they are stuck in 3D. ... We are in the middle of an ascension cycle, which is literally a time continuum shift. [Author's Note: Not to be confused with a 'time continuum rift' which is covered in the documentary Back to the Future Part 2.]

From now through 2012, the planet is going through this time continuum shift, which only happens once every 25,556 years (called a Euiago cycle). [Author's Note: That means in 23,543 BC (or BCE for the heathens), Earth only existed in 2 dimensions. It is unknown which dimension didn't exist yet.]

What is happening is that the particles that make up the Earth’s auric field are speeding up in pulsation rhythm to prepare for this shift into ascension from dimension 3 to dimension 4. [Author's Note: This is the planetary auric field equivalent of going from the rumba to the cha cha cha.]

Since the particles that make up the Earth’s auric field are speeding up in pulsation rate, and we exist as part of the Earth’s auric field, the particles that make up our OWN auric fields must also speed up. This is happening now through 2012. This means that one must have at least 4 strands of DNA active to make the shift into dimension 4.

So, follow the link above and prepare for the age of 4D!

Fifteen Minutes

2009-08-22T16:30:00.000-07:00

Virgo: Dedication is desire in focus. Put your energy and brains to work in ways that will improve your reputation and earn recognition.

Translation:
Personal growth requires effort. It also requires external validation. Do all the showboating and bragging you can.

Celebrities have hoards of adoring fans. So, they must all be happy, personally satisfied people.

'Tis Better To Have Loved

2009-08-21T10:24:00.000-07:00

Virgo: Someone who seems familiar may tweak your heartstrings. Although it may feel promising, this could be a once-and-done affair.

Translation:
Someone you like will like you back....for a day.

Whomever it ends of up being, I hope they let me down gently.

Pitchfork Me, I'm Done.

2009-08-20T10:09:00.000-07:00

Virgo: Enjoying the journey is very often more important than actually getting to the destination. You can put everyone at ease.

Translation:
The best part of spending eternity in Hell is the sinful life you live to get there.

I knew I was right to choose my hedonistic lifestyle.

Waiting To Exhale

2009-08-19T23:31:00.000-07:00

Virgo: Sniff out the facts that can make a difference without speaking out of turn. You could find guidance to handle everyday concerns.

Translation:
If you fart, wait for someone else to comment, then reply with, "You smelt it. You dealt it." Speaking first only brings accusations.

As they say: Patience is a virtue.

Excel-erate Your Life

2009-08-18T19:14:00.000-07:00

Virgo: There is a sense of rebellion in the air that might short-circuit your plans. A new technological item could cause problems.

Translation:
Even your online friends hate you. Turn the computer off and go outside.

If this is saying the databases at work are gonna have issues again, I just might shoot myself.

Social Ladder

2009-08-17T12:38:00.000-07:00

Virgo: This is an excellent time to promote your work. Other people will not feel you are competitive — and will sense your sincerity.

Translation:
People view you as a loser, so put yourself out there. If you fail, it's okay. People already view you as a loser.

Wow. Even winning is like kissing your sister.

Burn Baby Burn

2009-08-16T17:31:00.000-07:00

Virgo: It is important to know which bridge to cross and which to burn. This week you could be challenged by a sense of confusion.

Translation:
[Translation withheld due to it being potentially damning evidence in any near-future arson charges I may face.]

Wow. Living in Portland, I've got so many options. This is challenging.

You Take The High Road And You Take The Low Road

2009-08-15T16:44:00.000-07:00

Virgo: Mean what you say and say what you mean. You can develop keen insights and understanding this weekend but may act impulsively.

Translation:
Be precise with your words and actions by using them randomly.

I knew obsessing over Yogi Berra quotes would pay off eventually.

So Fresh And So Clean

2009-08-14T16:39:00.000-07:00

Virgo: At the moment what is expected of you could be very unclear. Wait until the mud settles to begin anything of importance.

Translation:
Before you leave your place to do anything, take a shower.

So this is why I never dated in high school.

Double Take

2009-08-13T15:49:00.000-07:00

Virgo: Results may be slow, but sure. Don't be too caught up in your concern that the universe quickly points out failure so quickly.

Translation:
You will slowly get where you want slowly. People will harshly belittle your efforts harshly. But, hey, eventually the tortoise and the hare finished eventually (You surely are the slow one, surely).

I truly am a grammar nazi, truly.

Drawing Board 2: The Return

2009-08-12T20:16:00.000-07:00

Virgo: Rather than presenting your ideas now, polish your final product and diligently search for ways to demonstrate its benefits.

Translation:
Your ideas suck. Hopefully, with some luck, you will find a way to make them useful in the future.

I guess this means I'm shelving my plan to depose the leader of Paraguay with an army of lemurs.

Que Sera, Sera Mañana.

2009-08-11T18:20:00.000-07:00

Virgo: You are capable of completing any task set before you, but would be wise to refuse to be locked into a contract or agreement.

Translation:
You could finish that project in one day, but you might as well take ten.

I've come to realize that I have a commitment problem. Apparently, I've got too much of it.

I Don't Want To Grow Up. I'm a Toys-R-Us Kid.

2009-08-10T23:43:00.000-07:00

Virgo: Find a task that gives you a sense of accomplishment. Your productivity is in direct proportion to the pride you take in work.

Translation:
Stick to what you're good at. You already know how to do it, and you'll feel a little less lazy when you finish.

Thank goodness. If there's one thing I hate, it's stretching myself. That's why I quit my yoga class.

...

2009-08-09T22:34:00.000-07:00

RIP Daniel Jarque.

Performing Arts

2009-08-09T22:17:00.000-07:00

Virgo: Fight the urge to do something slightly underhanded early in the week. In the second half of the week, your better side rules.

Translation:
Pretend to be nice until Wednesday. After that, it's almost the weekend, and people will put up with your bullshit.

As a former manager used to say, "Fake it 'til you make it."

Mindless Self-Indulgence

2009-08-08T07:05:00.000-07:00

Virgo: Sometimes the answer to the most difficult problem is the simplest one. Follow your instincts and do what you perceive to be right.

Translation:
Do what you want and to hell with the consequences.

I made this post from a secluded shack in Montana. This may be my last post. The FBI is closing in on my location. I regret nothing.

Skipping To Someone Else's Loo

2009-08-07T14:53:00.000-07:00

Virgo: There is wisdom to be found in humility. Being sure that yours is the "only way" will only lead to errors and a serious comeuppance.

Translation:
See Cancer

Cancer: Let the world know your agenda and which goals you seek to attain. A solid system of core values will become a sound foundation.

Double Translation:
If a cancer says, 'Jump.' You say, 'How high?'

Unfortunately, the only cancer I know in my office is on vacation. I've done nothing all day.

When Life Imitates Art

2009-08-06T14:48:00.000-07:00

Virgo: Make dinner for a special someone, offer help to a co-worker or make things easier for someone. The good you do today is paid forward.

Translation:
Bribe someone to sleep with you, make your co-worker indebted to you, or accomodate someone's laziness. Heck, they'll owe you one.

Interestingly, I totally did this today. I helped a co-worker paint a mural about kidneys.

Wisdom That's Dead On

2009-08-05T06:43:00.000-07:00

Virgo: Don't categorize friends into a hierarchy, as all are valuable and should be treated as such. Keep an ear open for good advice.

Translation:
All friends are good friends. Unless they give you their opinion. Then, only the helpful ones count.

This is why I'm no longer friends with Sean. Invest in inflatable dartboards. Bah.

Net Neutrality

2009-08-04T18:06:00.000-07:00

Virgo: You are in a position to calm tensions between rival factions. You may not solve the problem, but you can ease the friction.

There seems to be a mistake. This horoscope was apparently meant for Bill Clinton.

The Moderation Approach

2009-08-03T12:55:00.000-07:00

Virgo: Too much of a good thing can turn into a bad thing. Be tolerant of the misgivings of others; don't hold everyone to own criteria.

Translation:
If anyone has a lower standard than yours or doesn't perform as well as you do, don't help them get better. Their mediocrity improves your image.

I will now add 'enough' to the end of one of my personal ethics: "Always do good."

Climbing the Ladder

2009-07-31T15:43:00.000-07:00

Virgo: Career-enhancing opportunities could fail to materialize if there is a lack of confidence in your ability to honor commitments.

Translation:
If you don't show up for the interview, you won't get the job.

I wish I would have read this before I slept through my interview with McDonalds.

Hit the Bar

2009-07-30T11:27:00.000-07:00

Virgo: If you impose unreasonable standards, you will be required to maintain the same level of perfection. Sidestep promises and contracts.

Translation:
Avoid responsability at all costs. If it can't be avoided, set the bar REALLY low. This goes for expectations as well.

Just this morning, I phoned my agent and told him to cancel my 5 year, $9.5 million contract offer from the New York Yankees. Tomorrow I will be submiting my application to McDonalds.

Drink of Choice

2009-07-29T09:17:00.000-07:00

Virgo: Don't make promises you can't keep during scatterbrained moments. Relationships will run smoothly if you think before you act.

Translation:
Don't commit to something you couldn't follow through on when drunk. This is especially the case for relationships.

So, for example, I can no longer order my favorite drink at Starbucks. While I could totally do it sober, there's no way I'd be able to get out "venti, vanilla bean frappuccino with no whip" while completely wasted. Also, I might inappropriately ask out the barista.

What Is This All About?

2009-07-28T23:57:00.000-07:00

I am a shell of a human being. My soul is a hollowed husk, the carrion remnants of a vulture's feast. I'm lost in life. I need to find my true self.

I've tried meditation. I've released my Kundalini power. I even spent 15 months in a Buddhist monastery. Throughout my many journeys, all I've come away with is bitterness and a 3 month stint being bedridden due to malnutrition.

Desperation is setting in, so I am turning to my last hope, the Zodiac. Where other gurus of guidance have fallen short, I am convinced the stars will succeed. For the next 365 days (366 if next year is a leap year) I will read my horoscope and relate its meaning for my personal self. In doing so, I hope to divine my true nature. From the ashes of my former self will arise a glorious, blog-like phoenix. With wings of fiery gold, I will shine as a beacon of self-knowledge and authenticity.

For those who don't know me, my name is Jeff (although in 365/6 days, I'm pretty sure I will be reborn with a new name). I am a Virgo.

What are Virgos like? Here's a brief description provided by astrology.com [with author's notes]:

Virgo is the sixth Sign of the Zodiac, to be exact, and that's the way Virgos like it: exacting. Those born under this Sign are forever the butt of jokes for being so picky and critical (and they can be), but their 'attention to detail' is for a reason: to help others. Virgos, more than any other Sign, were born to serve, and it gives them great joy. They are also tailor-made for the job, since they are industrious, methodical and efficient. The sense of duty borne by these folks is considerable, and it ensures that they will always work for the greater good.

Virgo is represented in modern Astrology by the Virgin, although this association should not be taken literally [Author's Note: I want to make it very clear. I am not a virgin]. Rather, Virgos tend to take on some of the qualities of a Virgin, things like modesty and humanity. Some might consider them repressed, although Virgins would argue that it's a noble quality, as opposed to a negative one. Most of all, Virgos enjoy indulging their practical and logical side and poring over their projects to the nth degree [Author's Note: For you non-mathy types, that's a lot]. To say these folks are good at fact-finding almost understates the case, since Virgos revel in their exacting (some would argue pedantic) behavior and are a whiz with minutiae. Virgins are an asset in the workplace as they can be counted on to get things right the first time, every time -- and no detail will be overlooked [Author's Note: The one exception to this, ironically, is sex]. They are also balanced and fair in their assessments in keeping with the Mutable Quality assigned to this Sign.

During this year, I will be using the horoscopes of the great Jeraldine Saunders. Thank you for accompanying me on this journey.